Learn to Asserting Yourself

Angry outbursts are often symptoms of the person with assertiveness problems. Steve was a really good guy, sometimes too good. He never said no. He just agreed to, and apologized about, everything until he was so frustrated, he either felt terribly depressed and miserable about himself, or blew up in a rage over some small incident. He desperately needed assertiveness skills. How about you?

If your negative self talk is particularly self punishing, you may need some assertiveness skills. The way you interact with others can cause you considerable stress and emotional upset. The non-assertive person either blows up and becomes aggressive or wilts and says nothing, and feels terrible guilt and/or anger at the same time. Assertiveness training can help you to say no or ask what you legitimately want, need or deserve, calmly, not angrily, and without guilt.

Psychology researchers Wolpe and Lazarus show that everyone is assertive sometimes. They concluded that the goal is to increase the variety of situations and the frequency of assertive actions, and to decrease instances of angry blow-ups and passive collapses.

You are assertive when you stand up for yourself and say what you want or need to say, without letting others take advantage of you, and without getting angry. Non-assertive people tend to minimize their own rights. Often they don't believe they have a right to their own feelings or preferences when contradicted.

I've seen many patients who are non-assertive because they have low self-esteem and many negative automatic thoughts and cognitive distortions. Improving any of these will strengthen the others. Use the behavioral techniques described above to build your assertiveness. Insist on your right to happiness. Make a decision to take your share every day.